Roberts changes name

Chief Justice John Roberts intends to legally change his name to John Webster, potentially as early as Monday. In the wake of his opinion labeling the health care mandate "a tax, not a penalty" Roberts feels the name captures his new role as "the most influential arbiter of the English language since Noah Webster" of Webster's dictionary.

Thousands intend to gather before the Supreme Court on Monday demanding Chief Justice Roberts issue a ruling on whether "fag" can refer to something uncool in everyday use or must refer to a homosexual. In this highly political issue no one can tell which side is the Republican side so constitutional scholars are unsure which way the justice leans.

Two supreme court justices stated, on the condition of anonymity, that what they called a "publicity stunt" is distasteful but Roberts has informed us that, officially, his actions do not constitute a publicity stunt.