A new market taking bets on the passage of a "broccoli mandate" opened early Friday in response to discussion of whether congress could, constitutionally, mandate broccoli purchases. An anonymous Republican analyst, clearly reading talking points off a notecard, said, "the court's decision implies that congress could mandate purchases of broccoli under their taxing authority."
In early trading the price for a $10 payoff if such a bill is passed hovered around 1 cent, indicating a 1 in 1,000 chance of such a bill passing in the next 50 years. Market research published by Morgan Stanley suggested that the most likely scenario for the bill being pass is a demand by the Chinese government in an effort to prop up sales of Szechuan style Beef and Brocolli.
After lunch, however, the price went negative implying that traders were paying people to take their money in the event the bill was passed. Anonymous sources report that the trades are a massive gamble on behalf of JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon who believes the possibility of 60 Republican and Democratic Senators agreeing on anything is so remote it would indicate the second coming and, as stated in James 5:3, riches will "testify against you and eat your flesh like fire" at that time.
The Pope could not be reached for comment as he was enjoying broccoli soup, but Former president George H. W. Bush released a short statement saying "23 years later I'm still not going to eat broccoli."
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