Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The News

The Supreme Court handed down a surprise ruling on the health care mandate today. In a 5-4 decision the court ruled to uphold the mandate and instead strike down President Obama himself. Antonin Scalia, writing for the majority, wrote that "the Constitution is clear that the President only counts as 3/5th of a man and this court must obey the Constitution." In a press-conference following the landmark decision Justice Thomas was asked if the ruling imperiled his position on the court, to which he responded "3/5th of a man? ask Anita Hill how much man I am. More like 1 and 3/5ths."

Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine is speaking out against companies that insist on access to employees' Facebook pages. Sources say that Valentine was miffed that the Red Sox demanded access to his account and his home in order to dig up dirt on him. The Red Sox released a statement saying that they "just wanted to be prepared for the inevitable mudslinging when we blame our problems on him and run him out of town." A spokesman said that "not everyone is Manny Ramirez, who made character assassination easy. We don't want a repeat of the Normar diaster" referring to the fan-favorite shortstop and overall good guy who was traded by the team midseason and repeatedly badmouthed thereafter.

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