NRA recommends mandating firearms at football games

In response to a recent epidemic of fights between drunk fans at NFL football games, the NRA has proposed mandating that all ticket-holders over the age of 18 bring a firearm to the game. Spokesman Wayne LaPierre noted that "the only thing that stops a violent drunk fan is another drunk fan with a gun."

Economists at the CATO Institute quickly filed a press release in support of the plan. They note that "to stop violence on the field the league threatens fines and 15-yard penalties--to stop violence off the field it should also use incentives." The theory, known as the deterrence approach to crime, is based on the work of Gary Becker, a Nobel prize winning economist. Freakonomist Steven Levitt, an expert on the theory, noted that "it makes sense but sometimes drunk people do stupid, irrational shit."

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated that he would "consider the policy on it's merits" without dismissing it out of hand. "It is counterintuitive--giving thousands of drunk, angry men weapons, packing them like sardines, and hoping that violence decreases, but it just might work."

A spokesman for the NAACP complained that the policy could price many African-American fans out of seats at the stadium: "Tickets often cost over $100, and now you will have to invest $100 or more on a handgun just to get in the door!" Together with 50 other minority-rights group the NAACP has proposed building the price of a handgun rental into the price of the tickets in order to ensure that "when a massacre goes down the victims are as diverse as the country that allowed it to happen."