MA files restraining order against Bernard Pollard

The entire New England Patriots team has been granted restraining orders against Bernard "The Patriot Killer" Pollard in the wake of Pollard's latest conquest. The Ravens safety was accused of injuring four key Patriots players over the past 5 years--Tom Brady, Wes Welker, Rob Gronkowski, and Stevan Ridley--and the entire team complained that they "do not feel safe in his presence." A senior NFL analyst comment that "[he] wouldn't either after that ass-whooping," referring to the Raven's complete and under manhandling of the Patriots in the second half of last Sunday's game.

Gov. Deval Patrick is urging every resident of MA to file a restraining order against Pollard, going so far as to instruct the state government to print out a petition for every man, woman and child in the commonwealth. A spokesperson for the governor said only that "he have to waste there unfairly high taxes on something, and drapes can only cost so much."

Pollard will reportedly challenge the constitutionality of the petitions, which will effectively bar him from entering the state, as a violation of his constitutional rights. When asked to specify what right and what it was mentioned in the constitution, Pollard's counsel admitted that "[they] didn't actually mean it was protected by the constitution . . . just that it should be."

The case is expected to eventually reach the Supreme Court where the justices will cast a regional-lines votes with Yale Law graduates upholding the ban and Harvard Law graduates defending the ban. The swing votes are expected to be Ginsberg, Scalia, and Kagan, all natives of the New York City area who attended school in Massachusetts.